Knowing when!

I am crying...tears dropping heavily down my face...may be it is the movie. Sweet November is a very tender but sad movie. It is about two people that had to say good bye. She had to go. She was going to face death alone. I wish they didn't have to leave although they had to eventually. The black doctor on Grey's Anatomy, although very much in love, said corageously on his wedding day that " a noble and honorable person knows when he should leave" and he walked out. He knew he had to do it. He had to do it for her. His time had come. I always wanted to be noble and honorable and I know that I should have left a long time ago. I don't know why it is hitting me hard. May be this month, "sweet July" was a reality check for me.

How can someone quit voluntarily on life as he knows it, how can someone alienate his heart, his past, his present and sentence to death his being? Are there any pain killers for that? Isn't that worse than committing suicide? And I should be the judge and the executor...who can show mercy? Who can speak for him, for me?

But here is another person coming to the trial. He looks at me with wide opened eyes looking at the dagger in my hand and pleading that I do it...to separate me? I am screaming of pain...and fear...and crying for mercy. "Ya Rab in aradt an togeez 3any hazehe al ka2s? I stretch my hand to the beholder, this man that came for the trial. Help me please....help me....and I see him looking at the dagger confused? Should he save me or save me, kill me or kill me? He approaches me with hesitant steps, his eyes filled with tears. I heard him say this is not fair. Stay with me...not again...not this time. His faith is asking me to use the dagger to free my soul. Yet his flesh does not want to allow me to suffer. I know that he believes that sometimes one has to surrender his body to death to redeem his soul. He wants to hold me as I do it. He wants to stand behind me, his left hand around my waist and his right hand helps my right hand up with the dagger raising it high in the air as if it is a sign of victory. His muscles are very strong. He is sustaining my grip. I know he is ready to sustain me while I do it. He is ready to help me thrust the dagger deep in my heart. He will use his masculine power to make sure that it penetrates me deep. I know he is waiting for deliverance. I know he is eager to kiss my soul eternally. As I get ready to do it, I see the shadow of the dagger on the wall and I tremble with fear. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I can't, I can't. He doesn't speak,he knows it has to be my decision, he just makes sure that I can feel his muscles, his arms around me. Aaaaaaaah his left arm is almost crushing my bones while holding me tight. We both look at our shadow on the wall and freeze. We freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!

كما انا

Dear Lord

I wanted a place...any place where I could be me, where I was free to feel anything I wanted without hiding. I chose to call it "enigma". This is the place where I will be in touch with me and dare to know myself and dare to appear. This is the journey that I am taking now for the sake of the past, the present and the future. Please allow me this trip. I know that it is dangerous, I may never come out safe but I will be "me" to the fullest. That is why I am in dire need for the blood of Jesus Christ. Be patient with me, You will see me sin and may be more than once. You will see me human, flesh, may be repeating Adam's sin over and over again, reaching out to the forbidden fruit. But Lord, I need to do this. I usually don't have the courage to appear, I feel so scared "of me", of what I can feel, of what I can do. I am programmed to do what's right to the point that I don't want anything. What do I want? What do I desire? Can I want, can I desire? What is so ironic is that many might think that I am living as free as a bird. I almost fooled myself. I am not free. I have always lived or "not lived" to do what I was supposed to do.

Let me take one thing as an example. Sex!! Sex.....? Sex? I remember I prayed at the age of 25 as I read "raw3at al gens fil zawag" and started touching myself to get introduced to parts of my body. I wanted you to be there while I did that, to take care of me while I did it, to make it pure and holy and to dedicate it to you. Because it was always You. It was all about You! And for You, I desired to be an asexual being, all brains ....all spirit....no flesh....no flesh Lord please, I am still screaming it from inside........and I succeeded for so long to the point that I allowed myself to be a kid and a philosopher, innocence and insight are allowed even during the most passionate experiences and nothing else. If someone reads this, he might think that I never experienced it, have I? I am not sure if I have. Does it include crying all the time, fear, guilt, hopelessness, despair and attempts of getting out of my own skin, running away, running from me....running from You, running from existence. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Lord, I can't hide her anymore. I wish I could kill the woman in me. I want to do it for You. The woman in me can go wild....she is very passionate. She wants to go wild. It keeps getting worse and I am afraid I have to run away for the rest of my life. You know what, I wanted to be with You. I remember that this was the desire of my heart, the deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepest desire in my heart but this flesh, this woman, relationships simply include sex as a component. I was never prepared for that. I am not prepared. Just ....I don't dare to ask you this now. Stay there...be there....don't turn your face. As I grow older, it's becoming more and more difficult. This woman in me, is coming out all the time and I am failing to contain her. And I am here begging you not to turn your back on me....making no promises....can't do anything because not only I am weak but sometimes I want to do wrong. Me???? Yes the good girl ....I am so sorry Lord. I am not worthy but I am here, as I am today, not as I am supposed to be....I am here "كما انا"!

كما انا

http://www.tasbe7.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=773&Itemid=45

A motherless child

I used to like that name that consisted of 5 letters. One day I thought I might name my daughter after that, especially that I used to like music and singing all my life. Names like these usually make me cheerful and happy, as happy as a kid would feel whenever Christmas approaches and he sees all the lights on the tree, waits impatiently to receive gifts from Santa and listens to Jingle bells, We wish you a merry Christmas, Silent night ...etc. These are called Christmas carols. I usually play the tape every Christmas and start singing and dancing and jumping in the air as my sister and I sing, "you better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I am telling you why...Santa Claus is coming to town". Carols....Carol, it is hard for me to pronounce the word....the name!! How did such a beautiful name be linked to my worst pains and fears? Who took my song away? This is not fair, Santa...I am going to cry...I am going to pout but believe me I have not been naughty but nice.

I did not think I would be writing about Carol. I feel I know this girl. I am not sure if she had shed as many tears as I did but I know she has shed some. I am filled with mixed up feelings towards her. Please Carol, I have been a good girl for so long, you don't know me. I have done my homework, studied for many years, had experienced God as a kid, questioned my faith, asked questions, believed, helped, loved, surrendered, sacrificed, dared to be real, became vulnerable and had my enormous share of pain, can you please make sure again that my name is not written among the bad ones on your list? Did Santa show you the list? I told him that I am a good girl eventhough I cry and pout. Don't hurt me please.

But my question is who is hurting who? You are also hurt. May be you too are a good girl. Are you Carol? You share many of my friends. How can we have tens of mutual friends and dislike each other? I do not know how to stop the hurting. It keeps happening and happening. I know you won't believe me but I do care. I care for you and I wish that you find happiness and peace every day. I know you miss your mother the same way I miss my grandparents. I know she would have protected you more if she were here. But she is not Carol, you are a motherless child and I know how empty and how scared you feel. Don't be afraid, I am not sure how but please don't. It is not up to me to take or to give. Your life is not in my hands, it is in His, mine and his. I am waiting for a new carol....a new song that would be given to you and me. If not here, I will do the waiting till the day comes when the Lord will wipe every tear.

From my diary....A journey against my own ADD 27/8/2007

After giving out a long angry speech about my brother's failure to finish the paper work that is required of him, his need to keep changing jobs thinking that he is finding better ones when he is actually trying to avoid the piles unfinished business, the need for him to become more responsible (righ....t look who's talking) and deal with his impulsivity, it hit me!!

It is not the first time to pay attention to my own ADD, may be I have the inattentive or the overfocused type I believe. The piles of files that are accumulated on my brother's desk are pretty similar to the piles of books that I buy every year and never read and the number of days that passed by since I last brought myself to read the bible.

As I am starting to read "Reaching for the invisible God", trying hard to find Him, I am realizing that may be I am the one who is invisible as I continue to wander in my own mind for hours. What I need to restore my relationship with God is not the prayers of hundreds of believers to move the hardened heart (let me rather say the numbed) but it is a personal journey out of impulsivity and immediate gratifications. I need to try to do the impossible....lead a balanced life style!

I thank the Lord who has given me a relatively high IQ and EQ which make me successful in my studies and my job. Yet there was always a feeling that I was missing out on life. I sure was during the times I was wandering in my own mind and drowning in my own thoughts and feelings!

No Promises

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPHmwXTuCQM

Lights off

He said he wanted to go to sleep and that he was extremely tired and I believed him. It was too hectic for him, I know that for sure. We had a lot going on for a long time now. We almost experienced every possible emotion and he said he gets tired of fighting the waves. I know he does, he does. Today he was very tired and he pushed me away, may be he didn't mean to. May be he didn't realize it but I felt it. It was a fast unexpected sharp pain that could not be mistaken. The problem is that I felt it deep. Ouch, it hurt, it hurt and to make things even worse, he said that he gave up on us being in love. He was too bitter to the extent that he missed a lot today. Sometimes he gets too hooked up on a thought that he loses me all together.

Today I answered him. He had a very important question that he wanted me to think about and answer today. He asked if I was drug high on him or that I cherished him as a person. Today I gave him the answer, I told him that I loved him very much. He didn't even pay attention because he was focused on the sentence that I said before that...I said I am not being committed now but I love you very much. He prayed for strength to remain to be my unfailing friend while he felt very bitter for reading one of my posts that portrayed something that he already knew about. He said that he could hardly feel me today as I was going and coming back and forth, not in constant contact with him. His soul didn't feel me. He couldn't be more wrong. He was wrong yet he said that I had to believe what he writes not what I think. Alright I believe. Happy? I believe that you gave up on love. I believe that you will only be a friend (if you can). I will not believe myself, I will believe you. This is what you wanted and I am open to whatever you have me understand and believe. But I have to tell you one more thing. It is true that you could sense how I feel sometimes but not infrequently you are mistaken and you need to ask. If you wanted to love me badly, you should have listened more. I know you are tired but you made me feel very bad when you asked me "what do you want me to say, I am very tired"!

I want you to know that to be able to say what I said today, "I love you very much", I had to be in touch with you all day long, loving you every minute, cherishing you, smiling and holding you with open arms. You missed it. I am so sorry you missed it.

P.S. This post is void of any figures of speech except "lights off" because I am upset. One other thing, I came back last time because I was angry not hurt.