Knowing when!

I am crying...tears dropping heavily down my face...may be it is the movie. Sweet November is a very tender but sad movie. It is about two people that had to say good bye. She had to go. She was going to face death alone. I wish they didn't have to leave although they had to eventually. The black doctor on Grey's Anatomy, although very much in love, said corageously on his wedding day that " a noble and honorable person knows when he should leave" and he walked out. He knew he had to do it. He had to do it for her. His time had come. I always wanted to be noble and honorable and I know that I should have left a long time ago. I don't know why it is hitting me hard. May be this month, "sweet July" was a reality check for me.

How can someone quit voluntarily on life as he knows it, how can someone alienate his heart, his past, his present and sentence to death his being? Are there any pain killers for that? Isn't that worse than committing suicide? And I should be the judge and the executor...who can show mercy? Who can speak for him, for me?

But here is another person coming to the trial. He looks at me with wide opened eyes looking at the dagger in my hand and pleading that I do it...to separate me? I am screaming of pain...and fear...and crying for mercy. "Ya Rab in aradt an togeez 3any hazehe al ka2s? I stretch my hand to the beholder, this man that came for the trial. Help me please....help me....and I see him looking at the dagger confused? Should he save me or save me, kill me or kill me? He approaches me with hesitant steps, his eyes filled with tears. I heard him say this is not fair. Stay with me...not again...not this time. His faith is asking me to use the dagger to free my soul. Yet his flesh does not want to allow me to suffer. I know that he believes that sometimes one has to surrender his body to death to redeem his soul. He wants to hold me as I do it. He wants to stand behind me, his left hand around my waist and his right hand helps my right hand up with the dagger raising it high in the air as if it is a sign of victory. His muscles are very strong. He is sustaining my grip. I know he is ready to sustain me while I do it. He is ready to help me thrust the dagger deep in my heart. He will use his masculine power to make sure that it penetrates me deep. I know he is waiting for deliverance. I know he is eager to kiss my soul eternally. As I get ready to do it, I see the shadow of the dagger on the wall and I tremble with fear. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I can't, I can't. He doesn't speak,he knows it has to be my decision, he just makes sure that I can feel his muscles, his arms around me. Aaaaaaaah his left arm is almost crushing my bones while holding me tight. We both look at our shadow on the wall and freeze. We freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!