Failing and excelling at the same test

I am really struggling with what is going on in my life right now. I am feeling things that I should not be feeling and not feeling what I should. I told him the world is spinning and I have to catch up but the problem is that my world is spinning from inside. This experience is too intense for me. I know I can do it. I know I am up to it. I know that I have what it takes. I can deal with the intensity and can endure any stronger highs and I truly believe that the sky is my limit. This is my chance to get my passion out the way I best know how. It is the ultimate test, as if I learnt English for it, as if I understood metaphors and puns and all types of figures of speech for this. I have been preparing for this test for so long. My ability to write and to express my feelings freely are falling naturally into place. I know that this is my time, the time of my utmost high. He can give it to me. Yes he can.

On the other hand, ironically speaking, I am an addiction specialist. I teach people how to live a balanced life and not go after their highs. And I quote these words during my lectures:

نحن لم نخلق لنشعر بالإثارة طوال الوقت و لا يمكننا ان نقلل من الضغوط علينا، ففي النهاية تصبح الإثارة المستمرة غير مثيرة و الحياة الخالية من الضغوط ليست اجملها
فالرضا الحقيقى ينبعث فقط من اتزان الحياة
و ليس من الهروب من الحياة.
و حياتنا كما هى يجب علينا ان نحياها!

I cannot believe how hypocratic I would be when I do this lecture again. I am very weak before my drug of choice. He's become my drug and I like it and I can't have enough. And I am sure that preoccupation, loss of control, losing interest in all other avtivities and continuity despite of adversities are hitting me hard. I am addicted. How did this happen? Do I want to be released from this addiction or not?

All I know is that I am not denying it. I am getting addicted and I am desiring to continnue this path. Can I simply make a U turn and go back? I wish I can but I don't want to. He gets me drunk and I keep wanting more and more. Give it to me baby more and more. I know you might get intimidated now but don't stop, not now.