The deep blue see

I have always been impressed by those biblical words "3arafha fa a7abaha". I know in this context it meant that he made love to her, had seen her!! But what I am really longing for is a man that would "see me and know me" and love me deeply after that. I do not mean see me naked but I sure mean see who I am for real. Because beneath the first impressions there are layers and layers of depth, agony, passion and turmoil....there is a whole creation under the seemingly benign water...many fish...colored, beautiful, ugly...some bigger than the others, some aggressive and some are breath taking. There are also other creatures that look weird and ambiguous. Some are lethal and some are enjoyable. And if I had learnt anything from my past experiences is that men are not ready to dive!! They like shallow waters. Who can blame them? What you see is what you can control!! A man is very threatened when he is defied beyond his control. My friend usually put it like that...."man and testosterone"! He has to take lead and he has to be in control! And I am too defiant, I know. Who is ready to shake with fear and continue to dive, sometimes awed by what he's seeing and other times scared to death. Who is ready to surrender to the deep waters and contradict the Mermaid's fairy tale. He jumps in and grows fins instead of legs? You cannot stand on fins. You lose control immediately and they are only good for swimming.

Yet I was hoping for a different fairytale. This one....someone that lets go completely and remains as long as it takes...someone who would take the time to watch the depth, examine everything in it and reach out to touch the surroundings...never knowing if he'll get hurt or not...and everytime he touches something, the sea takes him in more and he belongs more. Someone who would not care how he changes inside because he is giving himself completely. Like the beauty and the beast, it is when she loved him so much that he was delivered. I am aware that the sea is ready to do one of two things to deal with an intruder. It either throws him out on the shore or drowns him. Who can hang in there and who can stay alive?

Why do I remain single? They are all asking me this question and here is your answer. I would rather remain richly occupied by all that lies deep; rather than to kill this whole diverse creation for someone who is not ready to dive underwaters. I cannot let go of any tiny creature. It keeps the biological balance. It makes me who I am.