كما انا

Dear Lord

I wanted a place...any place where I could be me, where I was free to feel anything I wanted without hiding. I chose to call it "enigma". This is the place where I will be in touch with me and dare to know myself and dare to appear. This is the journey that I am taking now for the sake of the past, the present and the future. Please allow me this trip. I know that it is dangerous, I may never come out safe but I will be "me" to the fullest. That is why I am in dire need for the blood of Jesus Christ. Be patient with me, You will see me sin and may be more than once. You will see me human, flesh, may be repeating Adam's sin over and over again, reaching out to the forbidden fruit. But Lord, I need to do this. I usually don't have the courage to appear, I feel so scared "of me", of what I can feel, of what I can do. I am programmed to do what's right to the point that I don't want anything. What do I want? What do I desire? Can I want, can I desire? What is so ironic is that many might think that I am living as free as a bird. I almost fooled myself. I am not free. I have always lived or "not lived" to do what I was supposed to do.

Let me take one thing as an example. Sex!! Sex.....? Sex? I remember I prayed at the age of 25 as I read "raw3at al gens fil zawag" and started touching myself to get introduced to parts of my body. I wanted you to be there while I did that, to take care of me while I did it, to make it pure and holy and to dedicate it to you. Because it was always You. It was all about You! And for You, I desired to be an asexual being, all brains ....all spirit....no flesh....no flesh Lord please, I am still screaming it from inside........and I succeeded for so long to the point that I allowed myself to be a kid and a philosopher, innocence and insight are allowed even during the most passionate experiences and nothing else. If someone reads this, he might think that I never experienced it, have I? I am not sure if I have. Does it include crying all the time, fear, guilt, hopelessness, despair and attempts of getting out of my own skin, running away, running from me....running from You, running from existence. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Lord, I can't hide her anymore. I wish I could kill the woman in me. I want to do it for You. The woman in me can go wild....she is very passionate. She wants to go wild. It keeps getting worse and I am afraid I have to run away for the rest of my life. You know what, I wanted to be with You. I remember that this was the desire of my heart, the deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepest desire in my heart but this flesh, this woman, relationships simply include sex as a component. I was never prepared for that. I am not prepared. Just ....I don't dare to ask you this now. Stay there...be there....don't turn your face. As I grow older, it's becoming more and more difficult. This woman in me, is coming out all the time and I am failing to contain her. And I am here begging you not to turn your back on me....making no promises....can't do anything because not only I am weak but sometimes I want to do wrong. Me???? Yes the good girl ....I am so sorry Lord. I am not worthy but I am here, as I am today, not as I am supposed to be....I am here "كما انا"!