I am crying...tears dropping heavily down my face...may be it is the movie. Sweet November is a very tender but sad movie. It is about two people that had to say good bye. She had to go. She was going to face death alone. I wish they didn't have to leave although they had to eventually. The black doctor on Grey's Anatomy, although very much in love, said corageously on his wedding day that " a noble and honorable person knows when he should leave" and he walked out. He knew he had to do it. He had to do it for her. His time had come. I always wanted to be noble and honorable and I know that I should have left a long time ago. I don't know why it is hitting me hard. May be this month, "sweet July" was a reality check for me.
How can someone quit voluntarily on life as he knows it, how can someone alienate his heart, his past, his present and sentence to death his being? Are there any pain killers for that? Isn't that worse than committing suicide? And I should be the judge and the executor...who can show mercy? Who can speak for him, for me?
But here is another person coming to the trial. He looks at me with wide opened eyes looking at the dagger in my hand and pleading that I do it...to separate me? I am screaming of pain...and fear...and crying for mercy. "Ya Rab in aradt an togeez 3any hazehe al ka2s? I stretch my hand to the beholder, this man that came for the trial. Help me please....help me....and I see him looking at the dagger confused? Should he save me or save me, kill me or kill me? He approaches me with hesitant steps, his eyes filled with tears. I heard him say this is not fair. Stay with me...not again...not this time. His faith is asking me to use the dagger to free my soul. Yet his flesh does not want to allow me to suffer. I know that he believes that sometimes one has to surrender his body to death to redeem his soul. He wants to hold me as I do it. He wants to stand behind me, his left hand around my waist and his right hand helps my right hand up with the dagger raising it high in the air as if it is a sign of victory. His muscles are very strong. He is sustaining my grip. I know he is ready to sustain me while I do it. He is ready to help me thrust the dagger deep in my heart. He will use his masculine power to make sure that it penetrates me deep. I know he is waiting for deliverance. I know he is eager to kiss my soul eternally. As I get ready to do it, I see the shadow of the dagger on the wall and I tremble with fear. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I can't, I can't. He doesn't speak,he knows it has to be my decision, he just makes sure that I can feel his muscles, his arms around me. Aaaaaaaah his left arm is almost crushing my bones while holding me tight. We both look at our shadow on the wall and freeze. We freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
كما انا
Dear Lord
I wanted a place...any place where I could be me, where I was free to feel anything I wanted without hiding. I chose to call it "enigma". This is the place where I will be in touch with me and dare to know myself and dare to appear. This is the journey that I am taking now for the sake of the past, the present and the future. Please allow me this trip. I know that it is dangerous, I may never come out safe but I will be "me" to the fullest. That is why I am in dire need for the blood of Jesus Christ. Be patient with me, You will see me sin and may be more than once. You will see me human, flesh, may be repeating Adam's sin over and over again, reaching out to the forbidden fruit. But Lord, I need to do this. I usually don't have the courage to appear, I feel so scared "of me", of what I can feel, of what I can do. I am programmed to do what's right to the point that I don't want anything. What do I want? What do I desire? Can I want, can I desire? What is so ironic is that many might think that I am living as free as a bird. I almost fooled myself. I am not free. I have always lived or "not lived" to do what I was supposed to do.
Let me take one thing as an example. Sex!! Sex.....? Sex? I remember I prayed at the age of 25 as I read "raw3at al gens fil zawag" and started touching myself to get introduced to parts of my body. I wanted you to be there while I did that, to take care of me while I did it, to make it pure and holy and to dedicate it to you. Because it was always You. It was all about You! And for You, I desired to be an asexual being, all brains ....all spirit....no flesh....no flesh Lord please, I am still screaming it from inside........and I succeeded for so long to the point that I allowed myself to be a kid and a philosopher, innocence and insight are allowed even during the most passionate experiences and nothing else. If someone reads this, he might think that I never experienced it, have I? I am not sure if I have. Does it include crying all the time, fear, guilt, hopelessness, despair and attempts of getting out of my own skin, running away, running from me....running from You, running from existence. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Lord, I can't hide her anymore. I wish I could kill the woman in me. I want to do it for You. The woman in me can go wild....she is very passionate. She wants to go wild. It keeps getting worse and I am afraid I have to run away for the rest of my life. You know what, I wanted to be with You. I remember that this was the desire of my heart, the deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepest desire in my heart but this flesh, this woman, relationships simply include sex as a component. I was never prepared for that. I am not prepared. Just ....I don't dare to ask you this now. Stay there...be there....don't turn your face. As I grow older, it's becoming more and more difficult. This woman in me, is coming out all the time and I am failing to contain her. And I am here begging you not to turn your back on me....making no promises....can't do anything because not only I am weak but sometimes I want to do wrong. Me???? Yes the good girl ....I am so sorry Lord. I am not worthy but I am here, as I am today, not as I am supposed to be....I am here "كما انا"!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
A motherless child
I used to like that name that consisted of 5 letters. One day I thought I might name my daughter after that, especially that I used to like music and singing all my life. Names like these usually make me cheerful and happy, as happy as a kid would feel whenever Christmas approaches and he sees all the lights on the tree, waits impatiently to receive gifts from Santa and listens to Jingle bells, We wish you a merry Christmas, Silent night ...etc. These are called Christmas carols. I usually play the tape every Christmas and start singing and dancing and jumping in the air as my sister and I sing, "you better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I am telling you why...Santa Claus is coming to town". Carols....Carol, it is hard for me to pronounce the word....the name!! How did such a beautiful name be linked to my worst pains and fears? Who took my song away? This is not fair, Santa...I am going to cry...I am going to pout but believe me I have not been naughty but nice.
I did not think I would be writing about Carol. I feel I know this girl. I am not sure if she had shed as many tears as I did but I know she has shed some. I am filled with mixed up feelings towards her. Please Carol, I have been a good girl for so long, you don't know me. I have done my homework, studied for many years, had experienced God as a kid, questioned my faith, asked questions, believed, helped, loved, surrendered, sacrificed, dared to be real, became vulnerable and had my enormous share of pain, can you please make sure again that my name is not written among the bad ones on your list? Did Santa show you the list? I told him that I am a good girl eventhough I cry and pout. Don't hurt me please.
But my question is who is hurting who? You are also hurt. May be you too are a good girl. Are you Carol? You share many of my friends. How can we have tens of mutual friends and dislike each other? I do not know how to stop the hurting. It keeps happening and happening. I know you won't believe me but I do care. I care for you and I wish that you find happiness and peace every day. I know you miss your mother the same way I miss my grandparents. I know she would have protected you more if she were here. But she is not Carol, you are a motherless child and I know how empty and how scared you feel. Don't be afraid, I am not sure how but please don't. It is not up to me to take or to give. Your life is not in my hands, it is in His, mine and his. I am waiting for a new carol....a new song that would be given to you and me. If not here, I will do the waiting till the day comes when the Lord will wipe every tear.
I did not think I would be writing about Carol. I feel I know this girl. I am not sure if she had shed as many tears as I did but I know she has shed some. I am filled with mixed up feelings towards her. Please Carol, I have been a good girl for so long, you don't know me. I have done my homework, studied for many years, had experienced God as a kid, questioned my faith, asked questions, believed, helped, loved, surrendered, sacrificed, dared to be real, became vulnerable and had my enormous share of pain, can you please make sure again that my name is not written among the bad ones on your list? Did Santa show you the list? I told him that I am a good girl eventhough I cry and pout. Don't hurt me please.
But my question is who is hurting who? You are also hurt. May be you too are a good girl. Are you Carol? You share many of my friends. How can we have tens of mutual friends and dislike each other? I do not know how to stop the hurting. It keeps happening and happening. I know you won't believe me but I do care. I care for you and I wish that you find happiness and peace every day. I know you miss your mother the same way I miss my grandparents. I know she would have protected you more if she were here. But she is not Carol, you are a motherless child and I know how empty and how scared you feel. Don't be afraid, I am not sure how but please don't. It is not up to me to take or to give. Your life is not in my hands, it is in His, mine and his. I am waiting for a new carol....a new song that would be given to you and me. If not here, I will do the waiting till the day comes when the Lord will wipe every tear.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
From my diary....A journey against my own ADD 27/8/2007
After giving out a long angry speech about my brother's failure to finish the paper work that is required of him, his need to keep changing jobs thinking that he is finding better ones when he is actually trying to avoid the piles unfinished business, the need for him to become more responsible (righ....t look who's talking) and deal with his impulsivity, it hit me!!
It is not the first time to pay attention to my own ADD, may be I have the inattentive or the overfocused type I believe. The piles of files that are accumulated on my brother's desk are pretty similar to the piles of books that I buy every year and never read and the number of days that passed by since I last brought myself to read the bible.
As I am starting to read "Reaching for the invisible God", trying hard to find Him, I am realizing that may be I am the one who is invisible as I continue to wander in my own mind for hours. What I need to restore my relationship with God is not the prayers of hundreds of believers to move the hardened heart (let me rather say the numbed) but it is a personal journey out of impulsivity and immediate gratifications. I need to try to do the impossible....lead a balanced life style!
I thank the Lord who has given me a relatively high IQ and EQ which make me successful in my studies and my job. Yet there was always a feeling that I was missing out on life. I sure was during the times I was wandering in my own mind and drowning in my own thoughts and feelings!
It is not the first time to pay attention to my own ADD, may be I have the inattentive or the overfocused type I believe. The piles of files that are accumulated on my brother's desk are pretty similar to the piles of books that I buy every year and never read and the number of days that passed by since I last brought myself to read the bible.
As I am starting to read "Reaching for the invisible God", trying hard to find Him, I am realizing that may be I am the one who is invisible as I continue to wander in my own mind for hours. What I need to restore my relationship with God is not the prayers of hundreds of believers to move the hardened heart (let me rather say the numbed) but it is a personal journey out of impulsivity and immediate gratifications. I need to try to do the impossible....lead a balanced life style!
I thank the Lord who has given me a relatively high IQ and EQ which make me successful in my studies and my job. Yet there was always a feeling that I was missing out on life. I sure was during the times I was wandering in my own mind and drowning in my own thoughts and feelings!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Lights off
He said he wanted to go to sleep and that he was extremely tired and I believed him. It was too hectic for him, I know that for sure. We had a lot going on for a long time now. We almost experienced every possible emotion and he said he gets tired of fighting the waves. I know he does, he does. Today he was very tired and he pushed me away, may be he didn't mean to. May be he didn't realize it but I felt it. It was a fast unexpected sharp pain that could not be mistaken. The problem is that I felt it deep. Ouch, it hurt, it hurt and to make things even worse, he said that he gave up on us being in love. He was too bitter to the extent that he missed a lot today. Sometimes he gets too hooked up on a thought that he loses me all together.
Today I answered him. He had a very important question that he wanted me to think about and answer today. He asked if I was drug high on him or that I cherished him as a person. Today I gave him the answer, I told him that I loved him very much. He didn't even pay attention because he was focused on the sentence that I said before that...I said I am not being committed now but I love you very much. He prayed for strength to remain to be my unfailing friend while he felt very bitter for reading one of my posts that portrayed something that he already knew about. He said that he could hardly feel me today as I was going and coming back and forth, not in constant contact with him. His soul didn't feel me. He couldn't be more wrong. He was wrong yet he said that I had to believe what he writes not what I think. Alright I believe. Happy? I believe that you gave up on love. I believe that you will only be a friend (if you can). I will not believe myself, I will believe you. This is what you wanted and I am open to whatever you have me understand and believe. But I have to tell you one more thing. It is true that you could sense how I feel sometimes but not infrequently you are mistaken and you need to ask. If you wanted to love me badly, you should have listened more. I know you are tired but you made me feel very bad when you asked me "what do you want me to say, I am very tired"!
I want you to know that to be able to say what I said today, "I love you very much", I had to be in touch with you all day long, loving you every minute, cherishing you, smiling and holding you with open arms. You missed it. I am so sorry you missed it.
P.S. This post is void of any figures of speech except "lights off" because I am upset. One other thing, I came back last time because I was angry not hurt.
Today I answered him. He had a very important question that he wanted me to think about and answer today. He asked if I was drug high on him or that I cherished him as a person. Today I gave him the answer, I told him that I loved him very much. He didn't even pay attention because he was focused on the sentence that I said before that...I said I am not being committed now but I love you very much. He prayed for strength to remain to be my unfailing friend while he felt very bitter for reading one of my posts that portrayed something that he already knew about. He said that he could hardly feel me today as I was going and coming back and forth, not in constant contact with him. His soul didn't feel me. He couldn't be more wrong. He was wrong yet he said that I had to believe what he writes not what I think. Alright I believe. Happy? I believe that you gave up on love. I believe that you will only be a friend (if you can). I will not believe myself, I will believe you. This is what you wanted and I am open to whatever you have me understand and believe. But I have to tell you one more thing. It is true that you could sense how I feel sometimes but not infrequently you are mistaken and you need to ask. If you wanted to love me badly, you should have listened more. I know you are tired but you made me feel very bad when you asked me "what do you want me to say, I am very tired"!
I want you to know that to be able to say what I said today, "I love you very much", I had to be in touch with you all day long, loving you every minute, cherishing you, smiling and holding you with open arms. You missed it. I am so sorry you missed it.
P.S. This post is void of any figures of speech except "lights off" because I am upset. One other thing, I came back last time because I was angry not hurt.
The deep blue see
I have always been impressed by those biblical words "3arafha fa a7abaha". I know in this context it meant that he made love to her, had seen her!! But what I am really longing for is a man that would "see me and know me" and love me deeply after that. I do not mean see me naked but I sure mean see who I am for real. Because beneath the first impressions there are layers and layers of depth, agony, passion and turmoil....there is a whole creation under the seemingly benign water...many fish...colored, beautiful, ugly...some bigger than the others, some aggressive and some are breath taking. There are also other creatures that look weird and ambiguous. Some are lethal and some are enjoyable. And if I had learnt anything from my past experiences is that men are not ready to dive!! They like shallow waters. Who can blame them? What you see is what you can control!! A man is very threatened when he is defied beyond his control. My friend usually put it like that...."man and testosterone"! He has to take lead and he has to be in control! And I am too defiant, I know. Who is ready to shake with fear and continue to dive, sometimes awed by what he's seeing and other times scared to death. Who is ready to surrender to the deep waters and contradict the Mermaid's fairy tale. He jumps in and grows fins instead of legs? You cannot stand on fins. You lose control immediately and they are only good for swimming.
Yet I was hoping for a different fairytale. This one....someone that lets go completely and remains as long as it takes...someone who would take the time to watch the depth, examine everything in it and reach out to touch the surroundings...never knowing if he'll get hurt or not...and everytime he touches something, the sea takes him in more and he belongs more. Someone who would not care how he changes inside because he is giving himself completely. Like the beauty and the beast, it is when she loved him so much that he was delivered. I am aware that the sea is ready to do one of two things to deal with an intruder. It either throws him out on the shore or drowns him. Who can hang in there and who can stay alive?
Why do I remain single? They are all asking me this question and here is your answer. I would rather remain richly occupied by all that lies deep; rather than to kill this whole diverse creation for someone who is not ready to dive underwaters. I cannot let go of any tiny creature. It keeps the biological balance. It makes me who I am.
Yet I was hoping for a different fairytale. This one....someone that lets go completely and remains as long as it takes...someone who would take the time to watch the depth, examine everything in it and reach out to touch the surroundings...never knowing if he'll get hurt or not...and everytime he touches something, the sea takes him in more and he belongs more. Someone who would not care how he changes inside because he is giving himself completely. Like the beauty and the beast, it is when she loved him so much that he was delivered. I am aware that the sea is ready to do one of two things to deal with an intruder. It either throws him out on the shore or drowns him. Who can hang in there and who can stay alive?
Why do I remain single? They are all asking me this question and here is your answer. I would rather remain richly occupied by all that lies deep; rather than to kill this whole diverse creation for someone who is not ready to dive underwaters. I cannot let go of any tiny creature. It keeps the biological balance. It makes me who I am.
Where is home?
This morning, my phone kept ringing. I was still sleeping. It was strange. The lights were still on since last night. I did not change my clothes and slept with my contacts!! Oh when did I go to sleep? I couldn't remember. I just fell asleep and I woke up to the ringing of the phone. I said "hello" and was too confused at the beginning. Who is it? The person on the other side said hello I am here at your office! Yes yes my office. I could sense the office's millieu. The same background, the same quietness, the same noise...and he said here talk to Mariam. So Mariam gets the phone and rejoices as she speaks to me. She quickly tells me about my salary for this month, the deductions that she made for the gam3eya and the phone bill and everything. I could hear the silent sounds of my fish that is still alive and my air condition that is off and my assistant going back and forth in the office to make sure he is instilling order. I could sense the color on the wall, chocolate brown as I chose it to be and my picture with Mariam on her wedding day. Yes yes, this is home. And the person on the phone is my.....? Let me see. He is the one who got me the fish and the plants in my balcony. He is the one who fixes my coffee and brings me flowers. He is the last person I say good night to and he wakes me up to say "el shams tel3et bara we mestanyaky 3alashan tesaba7y 3aleiha". Oh yes...I can tell...he is my home.
But does my soul have another home? Where am I residing now? Am I on a trip somewhere? I can hear this familiar song that I used to love as a kid, "Sindbad la yakhaf mahma tablogho al ahwal wa yab3odo 3an Baghdad". I loved Sindbad. I ran to my new place. I struggled with words...what do I call it...a rented home...my hotel room...my "holiday inn". What is it? I ran to my room that has become so familiar now but....I feel the same way as I feel with my first home...that this wwill never be home forever. Can they both be temporary houses, rented for sometime? No matter how much it feels home, it is not home. And I run here and there to touch the walls and walk on the floors and make sure that everything still exists, that I can still keep my home. And I attempt to read his blog looking for a clue. And here it was, he said...."She left". He never changed that although he wanted many times to go back and write but he never did it as if this reality has to be there for both of us to see and grasp until it sinks in. That reminded me that I previously made reservations and planned for a check out. The question is when? When can I check out? When will the vacation be over and where will I find my permanent home?
But does my soul have another home? Where am I residing now? Am I on a trip somewhere? I can hear this familiar song that I used to love as a kid, "Sindbad la yakhaf mahma tablogho al ahwal wa yab3odo 3an Baghdad". I loved Sindbad. I ran to my new place. I struggled with words...what do I call it...a rented home...my hotel room...my "holiday inn". What is it? I ran to my room that has become so familiar now but....I feel the same way as I feel with my first home...that this wwill never be home forever. Can they both be temporary houses, rented for sometime? No matter how much it feels home, it is not home. And I run here and there to touch the walls and walk on the floors and make sure that everything still exists, that I can still keep my home. And I attempt to read his blog looking for a clue. And here it was, he said...."She left". He never changed that although he wanted many times to go back and write but he never did it as if this reality has to be there for both of us to see and grasp until it sinks in. That reminded me that I previously made reservations and planned for a check out. The question is when? When can I check out? When will the vacation be over and where will I find my permanent home?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Failing and excelling at the same test
I am really struggling with what is going on in my life right now. I am feeling things that I should not be feeling and not feeling what I should. I told him the world is spinning and I have to catch up but the problem is that my world is spinning from inside. This experience is too intense for me. I know I can do it. I know I am up to it. I know that I have what it takes. I can deal with the intensity and can endure any stronger highs and I truly believe that the sky is my limit. This is my chance to get my passion out the way I best know how. It is the ultimate test, as if I learnt English for it, as if I understood metaphors and puns and all types of figures of speech for this. I have been preparing for this test for so long. My ability to write and to express my feelings freely are falling naturally into place. I know that this is my time, the time of my utmost high. He can give it to me. Yes he can.
On the other hand, ironically speaking, I am an addiction specialist. I teach people how to live a balanced life and not go after their highs. And I quote these words during my lectures:
نحن لم نخلق لنشعر بالإثارة طوال الوقت و لا يمكننا ان نقلل من الضغوط علينا، ففي النهاية تصبح الإثارة المستمرة غير مثيرة و الحياة الخالية من الضغوط ليست اجملها
فالرضا الحقيقى ينبعث فقط من اتزان الحياة
و ليس من الهروب من الحياة.
و حياتنا كما هى يجب علينا ان نحياها!
On the other hand, ironically speaking, I am an addiction specialist. I teach people how to live a balanced life and not go after their highs. And I quote these words during my lectures:
نحن لم نخلق لنشعر بالإثارة طوال الوقت و لا يمكننا ان نقلل من الضغوط علينا، ففي النهاية تصبح الإثارة المستمرة غير مثيرة و الحياة الخالية من الضغوط ليست اجملها
فالرضا الحقيقى ينبعث فقط من اتزان الحياة
و ليس من الهروب من الحياة.
و حياتنا كما هى يجب علينا ان نحياها!
I cannot believe how hypocratic I would be when I do this lecture again. I am very weak before my drug of choice. He's become my drug and I like it and I can't have enough. And I am sure that preoccupation, loss of control, losing interest in all other avtivities and continuity despite of adversities are hitting me hard. I am addicted. How did this happen? Do I want to be released from this addiction or not?
All I know is that I am not denying it. I am getting addicted and I am desiring to continnue this path. Can I simply make a U turn and go back? I wish I can but I don't want to. He gets me drunk and I keep wanting more and more. Give it to me baby more and more. I know you might get intimidated now but don't stop, not now.
A man...in my closet!
I have been working like that for years, almost every weekend I travel to the desert to do what I am good at….speak to people …..and I come back after the weekend is over to get ready for the next weekend. It sounds very ironic that I have to go out to the desert to meet tens and hundreds of people. This is the beauty of it; that we all meet in the desert where we are all by ourselves with nothing to rely on except each other. And at this stage, anything that is said or done can make a difference, because in the desert we have to depend on each other to survive!
I usually pack and go back home with my carry on and laptop. It is such a familiar scenery…waiting for the elevator with my luggage on Thursdays as a first step towards my destination. And I go downstairs, look at 3am Mohamed and I say salam ya 3am Mohamed and I do the same thing when I come back. It is such a continuous and happy repetition. The only tedious part about it is the weekly packing and unpacking. Sometimes I just get out the laundry and throw whatever is left in my closet without even looking. In my mind I can always go back later and tidy it up but “not today”.
Last time this happened, I decided to finally have a look at my closet. Let me see what I will do with it. And as I opened it, in the midst of the crowded place full of old stuff, new stuff, the basics and the unnecessary, I saw somebody sitting in there?!
SOMEONE IN MY OWN CLOSET?! I was astonished and jumped in the air. I took few steps back and then few steps to the front to check if that was my imagination. I wanted to make sure. I looked and stared and closed the door then reopened it to make sure it is not a delusion. But I could still see that man sitting comfortably in my closet with a confident smile on his face. How did he get there? Where did he come from? What is he doing here? He did not look quite real to me at the beginning. What is he singing, is it a lullaby? Why do I care what he’s singing, focus, focus, there is a man in the closet. Why is this tune enchanting you? Why aren’t you panicking and screaming? Why did you stop to listen? I paused and heard his song, a song that I have not heard before …what is he singing? Something like…when falling in love is not the point!
The man just looked at me with a beautiful smile and continued what he was singing. He did not move or feel threatened by my presence as if he was expecting me. His words were so warm and deep and the tune was very moving. He could tell that I was not ready to ask him to get out. At this moment, he looked at me and sang for me. I found myself sitting on the floor and examining him in amazement. The tune was calming me down and giving me a deep sense of happiness. And as I closed my eyes to take in the experience as deep as I could, he quietly left. I opened my eyes to smile back but he wasn’t there. I wanted him to continue singing for me. I loved his song, it is not fair. I am here smiling back and enjoying …but all I found was a note. He was too generous to write me a note before he disappeared…he wrote “to be continued”. I am not sure what this magician was doing. All I know is that he gave me so much to tell to my friends and so much to feel. He released so many happy feelings that I started smiling to myself again and again. I would go back to look for him in my closet but would not find him…just the note and I prayed in my heart that he would come back and sing for me again.
The following days, he came back!! I found him again in my closet, every time with a different tune but for some reason it felt like it was one song. How could one song have different tunes to it? And I would go back running to the closet like any kid who believes he has an imaginary friend in his own closet and not wanting anyone to know about him. It was my secret; I would talk to my imaginary friend about anything I wanted. He would be sitting there smiling and singing for me all the time. I would sleep and wake up to his tunes. I felt luckier than my friends who did not have a friend in the closet. Their lives were boring and lonely but not mine. Can he talk? Or does he only sing? Why is he here after all? Can he walk me to work? Can he come with me everywhere? Or is he comfortably seated in my closet. It looks crowded in there. May be I need to create some space for him to sit comfortably. May be he would sleep in the closet after all and be there for a longer time. If I wake up scared at night, I can make sure that he is still there. What would he need now? Oh let me get him a pillow to lay his head on and probably tidy some things here and there to create some room for him. Here you go, that is better. Will he sleep here tonight? I have no way of knowing. He just smiles. I will close the door now and see if he stays till the morning.
It is very hard to sleep on the thought; I need to stop checking if he is sleeping here or not. I should go to bed and let him choose. Ok, count, count, 1 2 3 shhhhhhhhh sleep, do not think just relax. I can’t I can’t. Why is he so quiet? Is he still there? Oh what a surprise, I think he felt my struggle. He let me hear his voice as he sang again to me from behind the closed door. Yes that’s better, I love this song. I can sleep now. It is so beautiful and peaceful.
The next day as I opened my eyes, I smiled to myself. What a beautiful day!! And I thought why am I happy. Ah, it is that song. I just love it and very thankful that I got to hear it before I slept. How I love the song ….tira ra ra ri ra ra,…. Oops…I remember, is he still there, did he sleep here tonight? Let me go and check. But I have no time to reach out to my closet now. I need to go. I am forgetting about the whole world except for this tune that keeps playing in my mind. You know what the world has always been spinning around me, non stop. Why not stop now just for a little while. Let me check if he’s still there.
As I approach the closet, I get too excited and full of anticipation. I can hear my heart beats very loud in my ears and I feel a little down. I can’t hear the tune. What if he’s gone? What if he was never there to begin with? Well, I will be brave. I will be brave. I will always have my spinning world. If he’s gone I will start spinning again as hard as this world does until I come to a total stop. My heart squeezes as I reach out to open the door. And the minute I open it, I jump. I find him sitting in there in a garden of roses, so many flowers. He planted all that during the night and he was looking at me as if he was expecting me with the brightest smile and the most blossoming flower of his garden. He talked …yes he talked…he talks!!! And uttered those words…I love you!
I usually pack and go back home with my carry on and laptop. It is such a familiar scenery…waiting for the elevator with my luggage on Thursdays as a first step towards my destination. And I go downstairs, look at 3am Mohamed and I say salam ya 3am Mohamed and I do the same thing when I come back. It is such a continuous and happy repetition. The only tedious part about it is the weekly packing and unpacking. Sometimes I just get out the laundry and throw whatever is left in my closet without even looking. In my mind I can always go back later and tidy it up but “not today”.
Last time this happened, I decided to finally have a look at my closet. Let me see what I will do with it. And as I opened it, in the midst of the crowded place full of old stuff, new stuff, the basics and the unnecessary, I saw somebody sitting in there?!
SOMEONE IN MY OWN CLOSET?! I was astonished and jumped in the air. I took few steps back and then few steps to the front to check if that was my imagination. I wanted to make sure. I looked and stared and closed the door then reopened it to make sure it is not a delusion. But I could still see that man sitting comfortably in my closet with a confident smile on his face. How did he get there? Where did he come from? What is he doing here? He did not look quite real to me at the beginning. What is he singing, is it a lullaby? Why do I care what he’s singing, focus, focus, there is a man in the closet. Why is this tune enchanting you? Why aren’t you panicking and screaming? Why did you stop to listen? I paused and heard his song, a song that I have not heard before …what is he singing? Something like…when falling in love is not the point!
The man just looked at me with a beautiful smile and continued what he was singing. He did not move or feel threatened by my presence as if he was expecting me. His words were so warm and deep and the tune was very moving. He could tell that I was not ready to ask him to get out. At this moment, he looked at me and sang for me. I found myself sitting on the floor and examining him in amazement. The tune was calming me down and giving me a deep sense of happiness. And as I closed my eyes to take in the experience as deep as I could, he quietly left. I opened my eyes to smile back but he wasn’t there. I wanted him to continue singing for me. I loved his song, it is not fair. I am here smiling back and enjoying …but all I found was a note. He was too generous to write me a note before he disappeared…he wrote “to be continued”. I am not sure what this magician was doing. All I know is that he gave me so much to tell to my friends and so much to feel. He released so many happy feelings that I started smiling to myself again and again. I would go back to look for him in my closet but would not find him…just the note and I prayed in my heart that he would come back and sing for me again.
The following days, he came back!! I found him again in my closet, every time with a different tune but for some reason it felt like it was one song. How could one song have different tunes to it? And I would go back running to the closet like any kid who believes he has an imaginary friend in his own closet and not wanting anyone to know about him. It was my secret; I would talk to my imaginary friend about anything I wanted. He would be sitting there smiling and singing for me all the time. I would sleep and wake up to his tunes. I felt luckier than my friends who did not have a friend in the closet. Their lives were boring and lonely but not mine. Can he talk? Or does he only sing? Why is he here after all? Can he walk me to work? Can he come with me everywhere? Or is he comfortably seated in my closet. It looks crowded in there. May be I need to create some space for him to sit comfortably. May be he would sleep in the closet after all and be there for a longer time. If I wake up scared at night, I can make sure that he is still there. What would he need now? Oh let me get him a pillow to lay his head on and probably tidy some things here and there to create some room for him. Here you go, that is better. Will he sleep here tonight? I have no way of knowing. He just smiles. I will close the door now and see if he stays till the morning.
It is very hard to sleep on the thought; I need to stop checking if he is sleeping here or not. I should go to bed and let him choose. Ok, count, count, 1 2 3 shhhhhhhhh sleep, do not think just relax. I can’t I can’t. Why is he so quiet? Is he still there? Oh what a surprise, I think he felt my struggle. He let me hear his voice as he sang again to me from behind the closed door. Yes that’s better, I love this song. I can sleep now. It is so beautiful and peaceful.
The next day as I opened my eyes, I smiled to myself. What a beautiful day!! And I thought why am I happy. Ah, it is that song. I just love it and very thankful that I got to hear it before I slept. How I love the song ….tira ra ra ri ra ra,…. Oops…I remember, is he still there, did he sleep here tonight? Let me go and check. But I have no time to reach out to my closet now. I need to go. I am forgetting about the whole world except for this tune that keeps playing in my mind. You know what the world has always been spinning around me, non stop. Why not stop now just for a little while. Let me check if he’s still there.
As I approach the closet, I get too excited and full of anticipation. I can hear my heart beats very loud in my ears and I feel a little down. I can’t hear the tune. What if he’s gone? What if he was never there to begin with? Well, I will be brave. I will be brave. I will always have my spinning world. If he’s gone I will start spinning again as hard as this world does until I come to a total stop. My heart squeezes as I reach out to open the door. And the minute I open it, I jump. I find him sitting in there in a garden of roses, so many flowers. He planted all that during the night and he was looking at me as if he was expecting me with the brightest smile and the most blossoming flower of his garden. He talked …yes he talked…he talks!!! And uttered those words…I love you!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Nailed ....... to you
by the way I'm here
oh
I have read ur message, and I'm still asking you how r u now?. And even if this relation takes another label, I still gets my highs, looks like u still didn't know me or what gives me highs!! ------, I am starting to like this name than -----, I will always be here under whatever label or shape, and I will respect the label u will give me, but I will still be here. And I know this may make it harder for you, but it should make it easier for you.
so how r u now?
I am tired
and missing you
what were u doing being online?
I was waiting for someone
I sleep and wake up
and communicate and travel
but I am online waiting for someone
I wish from my heart that by talking to you now, relieves some of the tiredness and missing feelings .. relieves some of the pain and the burden.
I have a very bad headache, I had not had a chance to sleep except for very little, I can't open my eyes but
all I care about
is the longing that I have in my heart
for someone
ok habiby, I will be here online as if I am beside, but I will not talk for the sake of ur headache ... I will just be here when u need me, I am one click away!!
just talk to me for few mns before I drop
I have overdone this
with no regrets
what u have overdone with no regrets?
given you myself completely...
my past
my present
my mental power
my love
myself
forgive me: it is hard for me to focus
no you did and the power u gave me to restore my life back is still going ... it just needs some time management , that's all.
but u will see for yourself
but to tell u the truth , I am a little confused by what u r saying, I don't know if u r just saying sorry, or u just reached a decision for me ??
I do not know anything about the future but I had already decided about my present
I had been available completely
entirely
and I let go
for you
to see me
and know me
and taste me
and drink me
the bitter and sweet
up to the last sip
and if u see me now u'll understand
ru still there
Habiby, for just being with you in any form and boundries, is great and I will have my highs under such label and boundries, and I will always love ur company whatever its shape ... and I hope that u can too .. if we became friends only, I will be happy, if we became like -----I will be happy too .. I will always be happy. and that is why I am liking now, it has kid's innocence in it
purity and happiness.
ur still hurting
no honey, please believe me, and please understand that when I see a woman calls herself
a wife to another man, and believes it deep and love it and live it ... I have no choice but to seek her friendship the way she likes it.
alright sweetheart
do u believe me?
yes but
I cannot be as content as you are
anyways
I feel ur struggle, I am having it too, but I wish it was my decision or there i something practically I can do or more tha just being there
but I have no clue
but
to be there
and keep doing it
doing what
keep being there
be there entirely?
yes in any shape or form u like.
do I get to choose
it was always ur decision from the being honey, that's why
I said I wish it was my decision or there is something more I can
what would it be
if it were up to you
no I can't habiby, I can't .. how would I decide to be with me when ur heart is somewhere else ... I can't.
I have no choice but to seek ur friendship the way u like it.
ur letting me go easily with no fight
this is very unfair .. that hurt .. really did
why
u want to tell me that u did not see me fighting for u dying for u all that time, and u keep telling u loooooooove him, u r his wife, u kept showing his pictures, u kept telling me why it is possible with him and not with me, and in all of that I was still telling you I love you, and I am concerned for you ....
that was very unfair very unfair to ask why , tooooooo much hurting
and u got angry with -----
when he was
asking u to meet -----
and acting
like nothing
but i kept there
and I took it
nd kept loving you
very unfair
toooo unfair
the only difference between what he did and what I did
was that I was holding you as I said that
you were ready for it
and asked me to get it all out on you
that I took permission first
yes
and I told you that you would not be able to handle it
and as you handled it
I loved you more
and more
and got closer and closer
although
it seemed like I was miles away
but you were winning me over
with every time you decided to be there
and not panic
or go away
and I did not hang up
or tell you if u keep telling me that you care
or get upset
I will not want to talk to you again
I am here
weak
trembling
crying
not wanting to let go of you
on my stomach
crowling
as I have no more power
pleading
I am still fighting for the last or any bit of you, and be content with it and then u tell I am letting go without a fight
ouch
ouch
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
aay
ay
ur acting too 3a2el
don't be hurt
what ?
ur acting wisely
and it is scary
I guess what I am asking here is
DO YOU STILL LOVE ME
ok how do u feel if I tell u that I looooooove a woman, I see her my wife and it is possible with her but not you ... and by the way that was after u finish bringing it all
YES ID DO
YES IDO
YES I DO
I DO
I DO
I DO
I DO
I DO
I DOOOOOOOOOOOOO
U have no idea
each time you say I do
what happens to me
with all the drama and the confusion
you still love me?
I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
LISTEN
I will always do even if I got married someday to someone, you will always have that place in my heart, she will have to live with it, or I will not marry anyone.
please don't talk about this
and I am very thankful you did
I will not
and if i don't love
be able to handle one more thought about any other woman
why would i want to be ur friend near the one who i don't love
why would i do so?
what do u want me to do ... I say I love you, i die for u, i say want to be with nay bit of you and be content, I hold u , i kiss u, i say iam always here for you .... what do u want me to do ?????? I blowing my brains offffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
to say you love me
and would die for me
and hold me
and blow your brains off for me
will you
I think I did, that hurst to ask, but I did and I am doing and I will keep doingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
I just want you to know that after last time
night
my confidence
disappeared
the girl you knew vanished
I was completely
naked
all of me
so scared
and I was not sure that you accept me this way
I needed you to cover me
and I was prepared for the worst
when you just asked how ru
I said he likes me less
when u said
I will be happy as your friend
I thought he had given up on love
and I still lie naked before you
and it is really up to you
I am holding you now, and put all my body over you to feel every cell in scream I love you, I will let my cells scream it for you ... and u have to know the agnoy I am going through right while my cells screaming I love you, you who is someone's else wife... but I am still here, hold you tight and covering u
with all my body shouting
I LOVE YOU
I am reading what u've written over and over again, I can't stop
I cannot believe I am having this experience
one of a kind
that I am not sure any language can describle
have I ever known so much love
has any woman on earth experienced this love
how did I get you to love me so much
u know, I told you will always be high with you, and that u said after last night there will be no more high, so listen to this
you always have the power to turn me on but this is something else
I am agonizing that my tears know it would not do any difference coming out, my tears gave up on me, and at this moment covering you, I feel you reached your breaking point, the moment of your death, and u r about to experience new life in you, ... and I am very high , because I was the one, and only me who there at the moment of ur death at the moment of your break, and it was me only who covering you and not anyone else.
u said the "girl I knew vanished" ... it was only me who was there at this moment.
and i will be the only one who will be there when new life comes into you.
such a high
in the midst of agony i died with you and i am waiting to rise up with you.
why die with me
why
to rise up with you.
ur already alive, don't die
I won't as u did, but I am the only one with u at that moment I am next to yo, I am over you melting in you ... i am dying with you. I am feeling your death, your break moment. when u die part of my dies and that part will rise up with you.
that is so beatiful but the part that is dying with me is very precious and it doesn't seem like there is any hope for resurrection now
that is not for you to say, nor for me to say, that is not any human's job to say ... it is only one man's one person's job and I trust in HIM more than anything now ... I don't know when HE will do it, but I am sure HE will do it in HIS perfect timing.
how did this all happen
when
how did we get to know each other
what is going on
s this a fairy tale
I love to believe it was all meant to happen and in this way.
but I am really breaking, not as a figure of speech
and it will be very painful ... you will be crucified
no more of that, no more please
and that part of me will feel it all the way.
be brave for me
I am , I am standing OUR grounds, with tears all over me, I am crying for the Lord, and tears aree with me now, ...am crying for his mercy for his love
i am crying for HIS powerful liberation his resurrection
be brave when I die to all and the silence is heavy
I will be silent to you as well
I am standing OUR grounds, with tears all over me
part of me is dying with you, and it will be silent
no no this is my journey
just be there as I go
I will
ru crying begad
yes, but I wipe it quickly and I am fighting it, I should be brave
I should face it
u don't have to wipe them it is still a sign of courage
I KNOW
that ur standing firm while crying my death
ru still there
yes habiby i am
it is getting darker you know
i feel it
I am cold
I feeeeeeel it
don't let go now
I am holding you with all my body and my tears running all over u
I felt life of my love leave ...
she is dead, and I am crying her death ... I agonize ...
I will keep holding her body, till life comes back in, I will be crying and shouting to the Lord to have mercy and deliver, I will wait for HIS timiing, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, forever, but I will always be crying to deliver and not be late for HIS sake, for the sake of his own daughter ... DOn't be late my Lord.
Amen
go now and be still
my last wish was that during the good and the bad times
continue to write
I will I will
when the silence is heavy
I will increase the writing
when the emptiness is loud
write
I wil shout louder by writing
and believe that there
will always be
a time
a place
a haven where I will be able to meet you
I believe
I seal my wish with a kiss that I want you to keep forever
and I will never lose it, because it was so powerful and tender it engraved.
go now and be still in peace till life comes back I will be waiting and I am sure
it will and she will show up one day, with a smile more beautiful than she had, and a face more glowing than she had, and a new heart and a new life.
I believe ... 2omen ya Sayed
2omen ya Sayed
be still in peace my love
and until then farewell my darling, be blessed
no farewell, because we will meet again ... in peace and be blessed
it is my death and it feels real so for me it is a farewell
in peace my darling ... in peace and be blessed
bye love
bye love
(7/4/2009 12:28 AM)
Last message received on 7/4/2009 at 12:27 AM
oh
I have read ur message, and I'm still asking you how r u now?. And even if this relation takes another label, I still gets my highs, looks like u still didn't know me or what gives me highs!! ------, I am starting to like this name than -----, I will always be here under whatever label or shape, and I will respect the label u will give me, but I will still be here. And I know this may make it harder for you, but it should make it easier for you.
so how r u now?
I am tired
and missing you
what were u doing being online?
I was waiting for someone
I sleep and wake up
and communicate and travel
but I am online waiting for someone
I wish from my heart that by talking to you now, relieves some of the tiredness and missing feelings .. relieves some of the pain and the burden.
I have a very bad headache, I had not had a chance to sleep except for very little, I can't open my eyes but
all I care about
is the longing that I have in my heart
for someone
ok habiby, I will be here online as if I am beside, but I will not talk for the sake of ur headache ... I will just be here when u need me, I am one click away!!
just talk to me for few mns before I drop
I have overdone this
with no regrets
what u have overdone with no regrets?
given you myself completely...
my past
my present
my mental power
my love
myself
forgive me: it is hard for me to focus
no you did and the power u gave me to restore my life back is still going ... it just needs some time management , that's all.
but u will see for yourself
but to tell u the truth , I am a little confused by what u r saying, I don't know if u r just saying sorry, or u just reached a decision for me ??
I do not know anything about the future but I had already decided about my present
I had been available completely
entirely
and I let go
for you
to see me
and know me
and taste me
and drink me
the bitter and sweet
up to the last sip
and if u see me now u'll understand
ru still there
Habiby, for just being with you in any form and boundries, is great and I will have my highs under such label and boundries, and I will always love ur company whatever its shape ... and I hope that u can too .. if we became friends only, I will be happy, if we became like -----I will be happy too .. I will always be happy. and that is why I am liking now, it has kid's innocence in it
purity and happiness.
ur still hurting
no honey, please believe me, and please understand that when I see a woman calls herself
a wife to another man, and believes it deep and love it and live it ... I have no choice but to seek her friendship the way she likes it.
alright sweetheart
do u believe me?
yes but
I cannot be as content as you are
anyways
I feel ur struggle, I am having it too, but I wish it was my decision or there i something practically I can do or more tha just being there
but I have no clue
but
to be there
and keep doing it
doing what
keep being there
be there entirely?
yes in any shape or form u like.
do I get to choose
it was always ur decision from the being honey, that's why
I said I wish it was my decision or there is something more I can
what would it be
if it were up to you
no I can't habiby, I can't .. how would I decide to be with me when ur heart is somewhere else ... I can't.
I have no choice but to seek ur friendship the way u like it.
ur letting me go easily with no fight
this is very unfair .. that hurt .. really did
why
u want to tell me that u did not see me fighting for u dying for u all that time, and u keep telling u loooooooove him, u r his wife, u kept showing his pictures, u kept telling me why it is possible with him and not with me, and in all of that I was still telling you I love you, and I am concerned for you ....
that was very unfair very unfair to ask why , tooooooo much hurting
and u got angry with -----
when he was
asking u to meet -----
and acting
like nothing
but i kept there
and I took it
nd kept loving you
very unfair
toooo unfair
the only difference between what he did and what I did
was that I was holding you as I said that
you were ready for it
and asked me to get it all out on you
that I took permission first
yes
and I told you that you would not be able to handle it
and as you handled it
I loved you more
and more
and got closer and closer
although
it seemed like I was miles away
but you were winning me over
with every time you decided to be there
and not panic
or go away
and I did not hang up
or tell you if u keep telling me that you care
or get upset
I will not want to talk to you again
I am here
weak
trembling
crying
not wanting to let go of you
on my stomach
crowling
as I have no more power
pleading
I am still fighting for the last or any bit of you, and be content with it and then u tell I am letting go without a fight
ouch
ouch
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
aay
ay
ur acting too 3a2el
don't be hurt
what ?
ur acting wisely
and it is scary
I guess what I am asking here is
DO YOU STILL LOVE ME
ok how do u feel if I tell u that I looooooove a woman, I see her my wife and it is possible with her but not you ... and by the way that was after u finish bringing it all
YES ID DO
YES IDO
YES I DO
I DO
I DO
I DO
I DO
I DO
I DOOOOOOOOOOOOO
U have no idea
each time you say I do
what happens to me
with all the drama and the confusion
you still love me?
I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
LISTEN
I will always do even if I got married someday to someone, you will always have that place in my heart, she will have to live with it, or I will not marry anyone.
please don't talk about this
and I am very thankful you did
I will not
and if i don't love
be able to handle one more thought about any other woman
why would i want to be ur friend near the one who i don't love
why would i do so?
what do u want me to do ... I say I love you, i die for u, i say want to be with nay bit of you and be content, I hold u , i kiss u, i say iam always here for you .... what do u want me to do ?????? I blowing my brains offffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
to say you love me
and would die for me
and hold me
and blow your brains off for me
will you
I think I did, that hurst to ask, but I did and I am doing and I will keep doingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
I just want you to know that after last time
night
my confidence
disappeared
the girl you knew vanished
I was completely
naked
all of me
so scared
and I was not sure that you accept me this way
I needed you to cover me
and I was prepared for the worst
when you just asked how ru
I said he likes me less
when u said
I will be happy as your friend
I thought he had given up on love
and I still lie naked before you
and it is really up to you
I am holding you now, and put all my body over you to feel every cell in scream I love you, I will let my cells scream it for you ... and u have to know the agnoy I am going through right while my cells screaming I love you, you who is someone's else wife... but I am still here, hold you tight and covering u
with all my body shouting
I LOVE YOU
I am reading what u've written over and over again, I can't stop
I cannot believe I am having this experience
one of a kind
that I am not sure any language can describle
have I ever known so much love
has any woman on earth experienced this love
how did I get you to love me so much
u know, I told you will always be high with you, and that u said after last night there will be no more high, so listen to this
you always have the power to turn me on but this is something else
I am agonizing that my tears know it would not do any difference coming out, my tears gave up on me, and at this moment covering you, I feel you reached your breaking point, the moment of your death, and u r about to experience new life in you, ... and I am very high , because I was the one, and only me who there at the moment of ur death at the moment of your break, and it was me only who covering you and not anyone else.
u said the "girl I knew vanished" ... it was only me who was there at this moment.
and i will be the only one who will be there when new life comes into you.
such a high
in the midst of agony i died with you and i am waiting to rise up with you.
why die with me
why
to rise up with you.
ur already alive, don't die
I won't as u did, but I am the only one with u at that moment I am next to yo, I am over you melting in you ... i am dying with you. I am feeling your death, your break moment. when u die part of my dies and that part will rise up with you.
that is so beatiful but the part that is dying with me is very precious and it doesn't seem like there is any hope for resurrection now
that is not for you to say, nor for me to say, that is not any human's job to say ... it is only one man's one person's job and I trust in HIM more than anything now ... I don't know when HE will do it, but I am sure HE will do it in HIS perfect timing.
how did this all happen
when
how did we get to know each other
what is going on
s this a fairy tale
I love to believe it was all meant to happen and in this way.
but I am really breaking, not as a figure of speech
and it will be very painful ... you will be crucified
no more of that, no more please
and that part of me will feel it all the way.
be brave for me
I am , I am standing OUR grounds, with tears all over me, I am crying for the Lord, and tears aree with me now, ...am crying for his mercy for his love
i am crying for HIS powerful liberation his resurrection
be brave when I die to all and the silence is heavy
I will be silent to you as well
I am standing OUR grounds, with tears all over me
part of me is dying with you, and it will be silent
no no this is my journey
just be there as I go
I will
ru crying begad
yes, but I wipe it quickly and I am fighting it, I should be brave
I should face it
u don't have to wipe them it is still a sign of courage
I KNOW
that ur standing firm while crying my death
ru still there
yes habiby i am
it is getting darker you know
i feel it
I am cold
I feeeeeeel it
don't let go now
I am holding you with all my body and my tears running all over u
I felt life of my love leave ...
she is dead, and I am crying her death ... I agonize ...
I will keep holding her body, till life comes back in, I will be crying and shouting to the Lord to have mercy and deliver, I will wait for HIS timiing, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, forever, but I will always be crying to deliver and not be late for HIS sake, for the sake of his own daughter ... DOn't be late my Lord.
Amen
go now and be still
my last wish was that during the good and the bad times
continue to write
I will I will
when the silence is heavy
I will increase the writing
when the emptiness is loud
write
I wil shout louder by writing
and believe that there
will always be
a time
a place
a haven where I will be able to meet you
I believe
I seal my wish with a kiss that I want you to keep forever
and I will never lose it, because it was so powerful and tender it engraved.
go now and be still in peace till life comes back I will be waiting and I am sure
it will and she will show up one day, with a smile more beautiful than she had, and a face more glowing than she had, and a new heart and a new life.
I believe ... 2omen ya Sayed
2omen ya Sayed
be still in peace my love
and until then farewell my darling, be blessed
no farewell, because we will meet again ... in peace and be blessed
it is my death and it feels real so for me it is a farewell
in peace my darling ... in peace and be blessed
bye love
bye love
(7/4/2009 12:28 AM)
Last message received on 7/4/2009 at 12:27 AM
As I bow
I was waiting for you to log out to tell you that when you wake up today, things will not be the same, you will search your heart for the ecstatic highs that we had and would find none. You will not be able to forget how difficult this night was. It will have its effect on this relationship till the end. But I want you to know that I have experienced happiness and intimacy and love and will ever be indebted to you all life long. With a kiss on your gracious hand and as I bow before you, I bid you forgiveness for all the pain that I caused you as you find out that I was here to burden you not to save you. I am sorry I had been too much and want you to know that only a man of honor can convey honor and you have honored me every day.
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