Lights off

He said he wanted to go to sleep and that he was extremely tired and I believed him. It was too hectic for him, I know that for sure. We had a lot going on for a long time now. We almost experienced every possible emotion and he said he gets tired of fighting the waves. I know he does, he does. Today he was very tired and he pushed me away, may be he didn't mean to. May be he didn't realize it but I felt it. It was a fast unexpected sharp pain that could not be mistaken. The problem is that I felt it deep. Ouch, it hurt, it hurt and to make things even worse, he said that he gave up on us being in love. He was too bitter to the extent that he missed a lot today. Sometimes he gets too hooked up on a thought that he loses me all together.

Today I answered him. He had a very important question that he wanted me to think about and answer today. He asked if I was drug high on him or that I cherished him as a person. Today I gave him the answer, I told him that I loved him very much. He didn't even pay attention because he was focused on the sentence that I said before that...I said I am not being committed now but I love you very much. He prayed for strength to remain to be my unfailing friend while he felt very bitter for reading one of my posts that portrayed something that he already knew about. He said that he could hardly feel me today as I was going and coming back and forth, not in constant contact with him. His soul didn't feel me. He couldn't be more wrong. He was wrong yet he said that I had to believe what he writes not what I think. Alright I believe. Happy? I believe that you gave up on love. I believe that you will only be a friend (if you can). I will not believe myself, I will believe you. This is what you wanted and I am open to whatever you have me understand and believe. But I have to tell you one more thing. It is true that you could sense how I feel sometimes but not infrequently you are mistaken and you need to ask. If you wanted to love me badly, you should have listened more. I know you are tired but you made me feel very bad when you asked me "what do you want me to say, I am very tired"!

I want you to know that to be able to say what I said today, "I love you very much", I had to be in touch with you all day long, loving you every minute, cherishing you, smiling and holding you with open arms. You missed it. I am so sorry you missed it.

P.S. This post is void of any figures of speech except "lights off" because I am upset. One other thing, I came back last time because I was angry not hurt.