A motherless child

I used to like that name that consisted of 5 letters. One day I thought I might name my daughter after that, especially that I used to like music and singing all my life. Names like these usually make me cheerful and happy, as happy as a kid would feel whenever Christmas approaches and he sees all the lights on the tree, waits impatiently to receive gifts from Santa and listens to Jingle bells, We wish you a merry Christmas, Silent night ...etc. These are called Christmas carols. I usually play the tape every Christmas and start singing and dancing and jumping in the air as my sister and I sing, "you better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I am telling you why...Santa Claus is coming to town". Carols....Carol, it is hard for me to pronounce the word....the name!! How did such a beautiful name be linked to my worst pains and fears? Who took my song away? This is not fair, Santa...I am going to cry...I am going to pout but believe me I have not been naughty but nice.

I did not think I would be writing about Carol. I feel I know this girl. I am not sure if she had shed as many tears as I did but I know she has shed some. I am filled with mixed up feelings towards her. Please Carol, I have been a good girl for so long, you don't know me. I have done my homework, studied for many years, had experienced God as a kid, questioned my faith, asked questions, believed, helped, loved, surrendered, sacrificed, dared to be real, became vulnerable and had my enormous share of pain, can you please make sure again that my name is not written among the bad ones on your list? Did Santa show you the list? I told him that I am a good girl eventhough I cry and pout. Don't hurt me please.

But my question is who is hurting who? You are also hurt. May be you too are a good girl. Are you Carol? You share many of my friends. How can we have tens of mutual friends and dislike each other? I do not know how to stop the hurting. It keeps happening and happening. I know you won't believe me but I do care. I care for you and I wish that you find happiness and peace every day. I know you miss your mother the same way I miss my grandparents. I know she would have protected you more if she were here. But she is not Carol, you are a motherless child and I know how empty and how scared you feel. Don't be afraid, I am not sure how but please don't. It is not up to me to take or to give. Your life is not in my hands, it is in His, mine and his. I am waiting for a new carol....a new song that would be given to you and me. If not here, I will do the waiting till the day comes when the Lord will wipe every tear.